Healing from Heartbreak
There is no exact way to heal from a miscarriage. Everyone handles them differently, some take longer than others. I had five in my first year of marriage, and I know I didn't handle them right, I didn't tell anyone besides my husband, not even my own mother. I felt ashamed and sacred because my body was not working the way I wanted it to. I tried to ignore the pain that I had, and after having 3 beautiful children, I freely talk about my miscarriages and I truly felt like I had healed from those losses, until this month. I hope that writing this post will help me to heal, and help others who are struggling, to feel like they are not alone.
This month has been a hard one for me. Correy and I found out last month that we were expecting. We were over the moon, but decided not to tell our kids since they can't keep a secret. I began to spot on March 1st, so immediately went to the doctors, because of my history of miscarriages. They did an ultrasound and said it was probably too early to see a heartbeat. They drew my blood for HCG levels, and I was told to come back for a follow up HCG level on Saturday. I went home and the spotting went away and I assumed we were in the clear. I kept telling myself that it was nothing. Saturday I went in for my HCG levels, we came into town as a family and went to a Home Depot build before. Cali came in the office with me so that she could hold my hand while I got my blood draw. The lab tech said I could call back at 12:45 and they should have the results. We went over to target for a Dr. Suess event. I looked at the baby clothes as we walked by and saw cute things that I wanted to buy. While we were finishing up at target, I called the doctors office and I kept being put on hold as they were checking for results. It was then that they realized that I had a negative blood type and they forgot to give me my Rh shot and asked if I could come back in, and that my results should be back when I got there. I went in the office alone this time, I figured I was getting a shot and I truly believed I was getting good news. As the lab tech was prepping my shot she noticed my results were in. She pulled up that day's results and the ones from two days before. She said my levels went from 325 down to 50, which is an indication that I am no longer pregnant. She said it as if she was telling me my strep test came back negative. I went numb and kept thinking I heard her wrong or she mixed up the results. She administered my shot and told me to have a nice day. As I walked to the car, it hit me like a ton of bricks and I lost it. My kids were worried that I was really hurt. I told Correy I needed to go home and to take the kids to his parents house.
I spent the rest of the day in bed, hoping and praying that they were wrong. Sunday I was still in denial, thinking there was a chance that they were wrong. I tried to keep myself busy because when I wasn't busy I couldn't stop myself from crying. We took a trip to Rexburg to help my sister with her car, and got to visit a good friend. It was the longest I had gone without crying and I thought I was finally feeling better. But as soon as we were in the car again, I had tears streaming down my face. I couldn't stop crying unless we were out in public and I had some distraction. I kept telling myself I had to be better, I couldn't do this in front of the kids and they needed to be back home to go to school.
Monday I went through the motions, and to someone on the outside it was a normal day, but I just felt numb. That evening my midwife called, and that's when I lost it. I love my midwife, she has been my rock through my last three pregnancies. She told me that I needed to get in with an OBGYN, to follow up since I have had so many miscarriages in the past. She was the first person and only medical professional, to say how sorry they were and make me feel like I was human and my emotions were acceptable. (When I was in labor with Keegan, she actually had to leave the room for a minute and Correy found her in the hall upset because she hated to see me in so much pain, and this women has delivered thousands of babies. She has a heart of gold and really cares about her patients)
The rest of the week was a roller coaster of emotions. When I would think about the plans we had this year, I would instantly think about how far along I would be, and then I would remind myself that I was no longer pregnant. In those moments of sadness, I would tell myself that I shouldn't be upset, I wasn't that far along. To having moments where I would forget the miscarriage and in the next moment be mad at myself for letting myself forget.
Wednesday I had my follow up appointment where I had to rehash every detail of my medical history since this doctor had never seen me. When they asked if I had had 9 pregnancies, it stung. It's a constant reminder when I go to the doctors. I did another ultrasound which verified that there was no longer a visible fetus. He then told me with this many miscarriages, he would recommend doing genetic testing, along with a slew of other tests. I got the lists of tests and talked to my insurance, all of them were covered except the genetic testing, that one needed prior authorization. So Thursday morning I went and did the blood work that was covered, 5 minutes and 6 vials of blood later I was able to leave.
Each day gets a little easier, but there are still the constant reminders, the little baby blanket I bought the day I found out I was pregnant, laying on my desk, the positive pregnancy tests in my nightstand drawer, the picture of how I announced my pregnancy to Correy on my phone, the embroidery designs for big brother and big sister shirts in my etsy cart. Those reminder make me sad, and sometimes I look at them and cry, but I then try to look at my three healthy miracles and tell myself that they are why I am going to be okay.
After having Keegan, I promised myself if I ever had another miscarriage, I wouldn't hide it. So I am speaking out so that others who have had a miscarriage don't feel alone.
This month has been a hard one for me. Correy and I found out last month that we were expecting. We were over the moon, but decided not to tell our kids since they can't keep a secret. I began to spot on March 1st, so immediately went to the doctors, because of my history of miscarriages. They did an ultrasound and said it was probably too early to see a heartbeat. They drew my blood for HCG levels, and I was told to come back for a follow up HCG level on Saturday. I went home and the spotting went away and I assumed we were in the clear. I kept telling myself that it was nothing. Saturday I went in for my HCG levels, we came into town as a family and went to a Home Depot build before. Cali came in the office with me so that she could hold my hand while I got my blood draw. The lab tech said I could call back at 12:45 and they should have the results. We went over to target for a Dr. Suess event. I looked at the baby clothes as we walked by and saw cute things that I wanted to buy. While we were finishing up at target, I called the doctors office and I kept being put on hold as they were checking for results. It was then that they realized that I had a negative blood type and they forgot to give me my Rh shot and asked if I could come back in, and that my results should be back when I got there. I went in the office alone this time, I figured I was getting a shot and I truly believed I was getting good news. As the lab tech was prepping my shot she noticed my results were in. She pulled up that day's results and the ones from two days before. She said my levels went from 325 down to 50, which is an indication that I am no longer pregnant. She said it as if she was telling me my strep test came back negative. I went numb and kept thinking I heard her wrong or she mixed up the results. She administered my shot and told me to have a nice day. As I walked to the car, it hit me like a ton of bricks and I lost it. My kids were worried that I was really hurt. I told Correy I needed to go home and to take the kids to his parents house.
I spent the rest of the day in bed, hoping and praying that they were wrong. Sunday I was still in denial, thinking there was a chance that they were wrong. I tried to keep myself busy because when I wasn't busy I couldn't stop myself from crying. We took a trip to Rexburg to help my sister with her car, and got to visit a good friend. It was the longest I had gone without crying and I thought I was finally feeling better. But as soon as we were in the car again, I had tears streaming down my face. I couldn't stop crying unless we were out in public and I had some distraction. I kept telling myself I had to be better, I couldn't do this in front of the kids and they needed to be back home to go to school.
Monday I went through the motions, and to someone on the outside it was a normal day, but I just felt numb. That evening my midwife called, and that's when I lost it. I love my midwife, she has been my rock through my last three pregnancies. She told me that I needed to get in with an OBGYN, to follow up since I have had so many miscarriages in the past. She was the first person and only medical professional, to say how sorry they were and make me feel like I was human and my emotions were acceptable. (When I was in labor with Keegan, she actually had to leave the room for a minute and Correy found her in the hall upset because she hated to see me in so much pain, and this women has delivered thousands of babies. She has a heart of gold and really cares about her patients)
The rest of the week was a roller coaster of emotions. When I would think about the plans we had this year, I would instantly think about how far along I would be, and then I would remind myself that I was no longer pregnant. In those moments of sadness, I would tell myself that I shouldn't be upset, I wasn't that far along. To having moments where I would forget the miscarriage and in the next moment be mad at myself for letting myself forget.
Wednesday I had my follow up appointment where I had to rehash every detail of my medical history since this doctor had never seen me. When they asked if I had had 9 pregnancies, it stung. It's a constant reminder when I go to the doctors. I did another ultrasound which verified that there was no longer a visible fetus. He then told me with this many miscarriages, he would recommend doing genetic testing, along with a slew of other tests. I got the lists of tests and talked to my insurance, all of them were covered except the genetic testing, that one needed prior authorization. So Thursday morning I went and did the blood work that was covered, 5 minutes and 6 vials of blood later I was able to leave.
Each day gets a little easier, but there are still the constant reminders, the little baby blanket I bought the day I found out I was pregnant, laying on my desk, the positive pregnancy tests in my nightstand drawer, the picture of how I announced my pregnancy to Correy on my phone, the embroidery designs for big brother and big sister shirts in my etsy cart. Those reminder make me sad, and sometimes I look at them and cry, but I then try to look at my three healthy miracles and tell myself that they are why I am going to be okay.
After having Keegan, I promised myself if I ever had another miscarriage, I wouldn't hide it. So I am speaking out so that others who have had a miscarriage don't feel alone.
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